


When I Grow Up

by Quintzel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Basically the pair that the whole fandom loves, Dreamy Remus, Hogwarts Sixth Year, Honestly Remus is so sweet, I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good, I write the stories that I wish other people had written for me, Jealous Remus Lupin, M/M, Marauders' Era, Pining, Ratings may change as the story Progresses, Remus is an animagus, Sirius Black is a tease, Slow Build, Wizards use the internet, as well as a werewolf, obviously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-04-03 16:02:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13999647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quintzel/pseuds/Quintzel
Summary: The marauders are just starting their sixth year at Hogwarts, a blessedly OWL-free two terms ahead of them. The boys are in high spirits, excited to be back together at the place they love most - Hogwarts. Sirius is hooking up with girls left and right, James seems to finally have caught Lily's attention, and even scrawny Wormtail appears to be in some sort of inexplicably good mood. But for Remus Lupin, things have never looked worse. Not only does he still transform every month, but there's the added stress of keeping the events of his summer from reaching his friends' ears - not to mention a very convincing death threat hanging over his head.Between Sirius trying to hook Remus up with a half a dozen girls and a rather concerning threat haunting his every move, will Remus be able to handle the pressure? And why does Sirius grow so irritated when Remus actually does manage to hit it off with a few of the girls?





	When I Grow Up

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Now I know what you're thinking after reading that summary: 'Oh great, another poorly written Remus and Sirius love story to add to the collection...' But I shouldn't have to tell you not to judge a book by its cover. I'm excited to see where this goes, as it is my first fanfic on AO3. Now I should warn you that there is a very good chance you actually fall in love with this story and beg me for more - if that does happen, I offer my most sincere apologies. Anyways, I'll say au revoir until the next chapter!  
> (also, I'm in the market for betas if anyone would like that job!)
> 
> ~Quintzel <3

Let me start by saying this: I’m not your average teenage wizard.

 

Ok, I said it. The one truth that I know will always be the same. It’s not something I can change. It’s not something I can ignore. It’s certainly not something I can brag about. Sure, I hide what I can. I keep the worst parts of me tucked away, concealed beneath a layer of smiles and words. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am different. I’m not proud of these secrets, the things I keep to myself and leave unspoken.

 

I think I’m scared of it. Scared of letting the real me show through, scared of how things might change, scared of letting something go that I’ve kept so closely guarded all these years. But mostly, I’m scared of the reactions I know I’ll get. What will people think when they realize what happens to me every month? When they hear that I barely have a home to call my own? When word spreads that my friends are, perhaps, crazier than I am? When they finally see that I’m not so perfect, not so kind, not so straight as most people are convinced? When the fact that I have plenty of enemies and threats hanging over my every move comes to light? When somebody finds out that my summers are not spent relaxing and having fun with all of my friends? When someone discovers the habits of my uncle towards me? When my actions are understood for what they really are - selfish and impulsive?

 

I could go on for hours like this, explaining all my failures and shortcomings, all the things that make me repulsive and terrifying, the traits that I’d rather not let anyone see. In fact, I often do go on for hours like this, wallowing in some sickening mix of self pity, disgust, and regret. I think my friends have started to catch on to it, after all these years, and they seem sympathetic. Of course, I haven’t disclosed any details or specifications to them. But I can see that in some corner of their mind, they’ve begun to understand the full extent of my life. But I neither want nor deserve their comforting words and worried glances. I’d rather go on with life, pretend I’m fine, act like there aren’t a million little things causing me anxiety. Hide the real me. And honestly, I’m sick of lying to myself. I’m ready for some sort of change.

 

So here’s the real me, wrapped up in some few thousand words of a story. It’s messy, yes. And it took me a long time before I got around to making any real change. Before I had the courage to let go of my secrets. But it  _ is  _ me. And I think I’m finally ready to own it.

 

<><><>

 

Three people. Three people who I’ve known for five years to the day, who I’ve always been able to count on, who always seem to be able to make me smile. Some would say there’s nothing special about them. One, a particularly rebellious boy with a horrible childhood and a devious smirk, one, a particularly attention hungry and clingy boy with no good looks whatsoever, and one, a particularly stuck-up and vain boy with a talent for Quidditch. What about these three companions is so perfect, I don’t know. Maybe it’s Sirius’s frequent pranks and sly manner. Maybe it’s Peter’s obvious appreciation and admiration of the rest of us. Maybe it’s James’s extreme arrogance and boastful remarks. Or maybe it’s all of that, and so many other things.

 

Either way, they’ve become my family, and I care about them more than I’m willing to let on. After willingly spending five years with someone, it would be sort of crazy  _ not _ to grow close to them. 

 

I think what really did it for me was what happened last year. About one week after the new school year had started, James, Sirius, and Peter brought me outside in the dead of night ‘for a surprise’. What happened next had been a shock, at first. But surprise quickly morphed into delight as first James, and then Sirius, and then Peter all transformed into animals. I learned that they had spent the last three years teaching themselves the art of becoming Animagi. Why, I asked, why did you so stupidly spend three years learning something illegally? Their answer: We did it for you.

 

I was sort of blown away by the whole thing, to say the least. Just the idea that my friends had spent so much time learning the theory, finding-

 

“Anything off the trolley, dears?”

 

My head snapped up and I was greeted with the round, smiling face of a middle aged woman standing in the doorway of my train compartment - she had broken me from my inner thought process. On my left, Sirius stirred, the tempting siren call of candy having woken him from his nap. Across from me, James and Peter glanced up from their game of exploding snap. Predicting what would soon occur, I lifted my notebook to shield my face.

 

Not a half a second later, Sirius’s eyes opened and he sprang to his feet quite literally. The edge of the dark haired boy’s robes caught on the pile of cards between Peter and James, and suddenly-

 

A light flashed, nearly blinding the other boys and leaving them half-covered in soot. A frightened shriek pierced the air, coming from a startled looking trolley lady. The two victims closest to the explosion - James and Wormtail - were both blinking rapidly and staring at the spot where the finicky cards had once laid. I lowered my notebook. 

 

The silence that followed was deafening, as the three boys and one trolley lady recovered from the stupefaction of Sirius’s mistake. I shifted awkwardly, unsure of what to do.

 

James wheezed, finally breaking the quiet, and a dark cloud of soot shot from his parted lips. I resisted the urge to giggle at the sight of him and Peter, with their eyes glued dumbly to the exploding-snap free space between them. I, unlike the others, was quite unperturbed by the explosion, having promptly drawn my knees up to my chest a split second before the incident. That, combined with the handy notebook, had protected most of my body.

 

Sirius jumped into gear almost immediately. He made an attempt to wipe the black grime from his face with his robe but only smeared more soot along his cheeks. This fact was obviously unapparent to the boy, however, as he dropped the edge of his robe with a satisfied look and turned to the trolley lady promptly.

 

“Terribly sorry about that. You know how these things happen.” He gave her a grin with his perfect teeth, which seemed startlingly white in comparison to the rest of his body. “And yes, I  _ would _ like something off the trolley.”

 

The woman stood there, staring at my friend in disbelief as he rambled off a long list of the candies he would like, all of which he ordered in absurdly large quantities. After a moment, I saw the corner of her mouth lift up the slightest bit. Soon the 50-something year old witch was grinning like a madman and dumping piles of chocolate and pasties into brown paper bags. 

 

I settled back into my seat after scourgifying my robes to remove what little grime had gotten on them. Across from me, my two other friends were muttering under their breaths - no doubt calling Sirius all sorts of awful names - and following my lead. Episodes like this were no uncommon thing around these three, and over the years I had become more and more adept at anticipating such happenings. It had gotten to the point where it was quite difficult to upset or surprise me. I often find myself simply sighing and repairing what damage I can. It was almost ritualistic at this point.

 

It’s a bit ridiculous, if you ask me. And yet for some reason, I love it.

 

After the trolley lady had gone off - her trolley considerably lighter and her purse considerably heavier - Sirius plopped down beside me. I dutifully scourgified him as well, rolling my eyes after the deed had been done.

 

Sirius grinned at me. “Want some chocolate frogs, Remus? Or how about acid pops? I know you love those.” 

 

He elbowed me playfully, holding up one of his paper bags in a way that I guess was supposed to tempt me. I rolled my eyes in response, saying, “Must you always be so careless? And I’m fine without it.” I batted the bag away from my face irritably.

 

My annoying - but adorably so - companion frowned at my refusal, though he pointedly ignored my question. “You sure? I have plenty, you know.”

 

I shifted uncomfortably, turning my gaze to the floor so that I wouldn’t have to see the worried and puzzled expression on his face. He had been like this last year, too. “I’m fine, Sirius. Seriously.” 

 

He gave an irritated huff at the overused joke, but I couldn’t help but notice how the frown on his face had only deepened. I turned away, not wanting to face the burning concern in his eyes. Instead, I focused on the scenery rolling by outside the train. 

 

When we sat down over three hours ago, I had immediately claimed one of the window seats like I did every year. Sirius had hurriedly take the space next to me, not wanting to get trapped in a game of exploding snap with James. And so it happened that poor Peter had been the one lured into a hazardous game of cards, while Sirius and I sat safely across from them. Or at least, as safe as you could get. After the first dozen explosions, all much smaller than the one that Sirius had set off, I suggested we change into our robes. 

 

My thoughts drifted, and soon I was lost in memories of Sirius’s odd concern over the last half a year. Over the Christmas holidays James and Peter had visited home. Unlike our two other friends, Sirius and I stayed behind. Sirius, because of his tense relationship with his family. I, for reasons that remained unknown to the other three. No one else in our year had stayed at Hogwarts. 

 

I was Sirius’s only entertainment for those 18 days of holiday. And likewise, he was my only entertainment. We ate meals together, played games together, visited Hogsmeade together, studied (because I insisted) together. And without all the other people around to distract him, my friend began to notice a lot more about me. At meal times, Sirius had nothing to do but talk to me or read while he ate. During games of chess or quidditch, I was the only person around for him to focus on. At Hogsmeade, (you guessed it) I was the only one around that was his age. What I’m trying to explain is… Sirius suddenly found that he had time, plenty of it, to actually observe me and get to know me, far better than he had before. And this lead to some unnerving changes in his behaviour towards me. Primarily due to the things he learned about me, or at least, guessed about me. 

 

His interest in my eating habits was only one of those unsettling changes. I could list some of the other differences that I noticed, but I prefer not to. Anyways, I had expected his unusual manner to stop when James and Peter got back, but it didn’t. It got worse. In fact, -

 

“Remus. Hey, Remus. You ok?” I felt somebody’s hand on my shoulder, shaking me gently.

 

I turned around to find Sirius peering at me with now-trademark worry etched into his profile. I brushed his hand off of my shoulder and said defensively, “I’m fine, Padfoot. What is it?”  

 

Only then did I notice that James and Peter had gotten up and were grabbing their trunks from the overhead storage compartments. “It’s time to go. We’ll be there any minute now,” Sirius explained.

 

I nodded and rose from my seat, ignoring the protests my back gave. Sighing, I turned around and faced the dreaded task of retrieving my trunk. As the shortest of my friends - even Peter beat me by an inch - I had always had difficulty with this part of the trip to Hogwarts. Not that I couldn’t reach the overhead. I  _ could _ reach it when I strained and stretched enough. It was that once I did manage to get my hands on my trunk, I had difficulty lowering it without accidentally dropping it on my head. I’m not particularly strong, at all, and with my arms stretched up as far as they can go, holding a 36-something kilogram trunk, things don’t end well.

 

Beside me, Sirius had already gotten his trunk safely into his arms. I rolled my shoulders. Before I could chicken out and ask one of the others to lend a hand, I lifted my arms up, stood on my tiptoes, and-

 

Sirius had his hand on my shoulder again, only this time he was pushing me backwards hard enough to make me stumble towards the seats behind me. He rolled his eyes, saying, “I’m not going to stand by and watch as my friend effectively squashes himself under his trunk when he drops it on top of himself.”

 

James nodded along to Sirius’s words, and it looked like he was fighting off a smile. I frowned in irritation, and said, “I can manage just fine on my own, you know.”

 

“Keep telling yourself that,” James said as Sirius swiftly got my trunk down and handed it to me. It really was unfair that some people were born taller, or more muscular, than others.

 

Wormtail was already in the aisle and was tugging on James’s sleeve repeatedly. “Come  _ on _ , guys. We’re gonna miss the start of term feast.”

 

Peter’s impatience brought a smile to my lips, and all thoughts of the unjust distribution of bodies were soon gone. Presently, the four of us were stepping off of the Hogwarts Express, trading the cramped but comforting train for the open and cloudless air outside. There was no moon tonight, something I was eternally grateful for. Instead, the stars twinkled brightly above, and the murmur of hundreds of students filled the air. To my left, the carriages were filling up and clopping off to the school. The thestrals, shrouded in darkness and beauty, stood silently as students boarded. To my right, one of the school professors was doing her best to herd the first years toward the lake. The poor woman had a hassled look about her, and her glasses were askew, but still she continued in her attempts. A third year sprinted past me, calling out to his friends to wait up. The gentle noise of waves lapping against the shore of the lake danced in my ears. There was a slight haze of smoke, coming from the train. I breathed in the smell of pine trees and evening air. This was how it was supposed to be. This was what I loved, this hustle of never ending activity and the easy mingling of hundreds of lives. In front of me, the castle loomed majestically, looking more breathtaking than it had any other year.

 

Peter let out a content hum whilst the other two boys conversed privately on my right. I felt my lips tug upwards a fraction of a degree.

 

We were finally at Hogwarts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, all! So you've gotten through my first chapter! woot woot! AND, I've finally finished those long promised changes. To anyone returning to read this again/read the next chapter (which I will post soon): I suggest you reread this chapter, as some major changes have been made. I personally think This version is MUCH better (not to mention 1000 words longer), but I'll leave that up to you. Until next time!
> 
> ~Quintzel <3


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